The Chain of Appraisals

Did you ever dream of what you wanted to be when you grew up? I certainly did and for sure I was disappointed at what I wanted to be and what I became. From wanting to do wonders in my workplace, I ended up being the person the world wanted me to be.

In the start of my career, all I wanted to do was be the best at what I was doing. I would reach the work place early so that I could have a head start to the day, would blend in with people from different departments so that I would learn what is happening in other parts of the company. I was mostly a learner and a seeker at the place of work.

As the years went by there was a routine that was created in my life, the routine of appraisals. The only thing that was important to me and my colleagues was the day of the appraisal. This was the day that would make our next year. So we would work the year around to ensure the day of the appraisal was filled with results of our work done over a period of time.

This day was to bring us the joy of buying a new car or a house or a watch or anything that we had in mind. This would would determine if we were to live an austere life or could spend lavishly in the year to come.

Our efforts to make ourselves known to be in the top tier rank to ensure we get the best value of the appraisal and the bonus amount is much more than our peers. It was a race to Money mountain.

In all the years, I have never got a worthy rating. I always performed and did well but the statistics were not completely in my favour.

I realised well, to know that the management of a company shows its intentions by the way they reward their people. If they reward them well, they have good intentions for their fellow colleagues and if they don't then they value them as tools to reach a goal.

The astonishment was to see in my peers eyes to their resentment and frustration on the amount shown in their increment/ bonus letters. In one of the MNC companies I was working for, the lady through a fit at our boss and started hurling abuses in the conference room. Her voice was so loud that we could hear her straight through as though she was sitting right next to us.

The poor boss, was as helpless as he could be as he had also not received a good number to his satisfaction and his appraisals were also not that good. She kept on saying that the numbers were not right and she was the performer for 5 months in a row but because she had to take maternity leave that got her average down. Well morally one would have given her the benefit to showcase that the person was talented and it was the ideal way to reward people with talent.

But her appraisal average went down due to her absence and so was her increment and bonus amounts. She would have to wait for a whole year before there was any substantial increase in her salary. This frustrated her and she left the company to join another organisation.

The feeling that crept in me while it was all unfolding before me was whether she made the right decision to leave the company for the reason of money or whether the company was not keen to let her stay. Was there a hidden bias to the company not wanting to have women with children on their workforce. It was a conspiracy theory brewing in my head for sake of excitement. There was a lust in the theory to make it sound more exciting.

I changed many companies in the short tenure of my career and realised that working from an appraisal to the next is the only thrill that existed in the organisation. The joy of enjoying your work, to have a new day and a new beginning everyday at work was lost in transit.

I wonder what would Einstein or Gandhi's appraisal sheet looked like if they ever had one? Did they have goals and targets to reach to achieve what they did? Did they have to be motivated to do their work? What made them the man that we today look back and salute?

The question that posses in my mind is are we really going to do better with company focused goal sheet? or should we not be preparing our personal goal sheet and working towards attaining that goal. Would it not then be likely that we would not have to be motivated by the appraisal sheet and work in the way we best fashion to enjoy what we do.

We have become but the slaves for the want of success. In the want for a better life, we leave life behind and lick the behinds of the gods that run the organisation. There is no apathy to the weak and the strong trample on them. The so call high and almighty of the organisation fail to see it more times than none and the weak fail to realise their potential until it late or too late.

When we break this chain of appraisals is when we are individuals will excel and there after the company or the organisation that we work in or run will have the benefits of the success we dream about.

In Dad we trust!

I keep listening to songs that have an ode to their mothers, the way mothers have always cared for their children and family. But I rarely hear, see or read of how great fathers are.

There are times when I am touched with my fathers love for me and my sisters. He has a weird way of expressing his love and more often than not its over a conversation of cricket, politics or just some news event. His most used phrase of talking to me during my growing up days were, "Let's have a man to man talk". Sometimes he would use the same statement with my sisters as well which I felt was weird, as it should have ideally been, "Lets have a woman to man talk" or "Lets have a Daughter and father talk". 

A mechanical engineer by profession, he excelled in what he did. His engines, as my mother would say, was his first wife. He was always interested in what he did and never worked a day in his life. If I would ever ask about the engines, he would speak about it with pride and an enthusiasm of a boy who would have just learnt of the engines and was starting his career.

He has been the envy and pride of my and my sisters life, ever since I can remember. As a child he was a little aloof and we never got to know him well but as we touched our teenage years he would always be there and speak to us as a friend.

I remember a time during my internship at a hotel and I would work from day break till the wee hours of morning, barely getting 5 hours of sleep. We never met each other for about a week or so staying in the same house. One night when I came back at about 2 in the morning, he was lying on the couch half asleep and waiting for me. I asked him what was he doing up so late and not sleeping as he had to go to work the next day. He replied with all innocence, that he missed talking to me and he had not seen me the whole week. He had stayed up till late just to have a word with me and speak to me about my well being. It was heart breaking that he would do such an act. I was dumb founded and left with no words but just appreciation and gratitude for him.

He never asked anything of life and led the most austere life. His only passions were watching cricket, playing sudoku and having his evening drink. Every birthday, we would ask him what he wanted so that we could buy it for him as a gift from his children but he always gave a blank reply. Never asked for anything but would only give.

My father was always attached to all three of his children. We would always fight with each other to say that they were his favourites and dad would only favour them more than the other. Being the only son and having two sisters, I was ofcourse the favourite child of my father, or atleast that was what I had thought about until I saw him break down on my sisters wedding. For the first time in my life, I saw my father in tears and not willing to let go of her when she was leaving. He kept telling everyone that she was his pride and had given all his love to her to make her strong and bright. I just didnt understand why would such a strong personality would break down at this event. He was happy that she was married but it saddened him that she was leaving him to be a part of another home.

In all the years, I have known dad. He was always the rock that we lay our foundations on. He was strong in thought and knew exactly what he wanted and never asked for more. He would sacrifice for the sake of his family and made sure that we always got the best of what was available or afforded. 

Growing up with him, he has become more of a friend than a father. I dont know a better friend to have than him. Sometimes, we sit and share a drink in the evening and watch his favourite sport of Cricket. The irony is that I hate the game and dont understand why the country of a billion plus people are so crazy of this sport. I still make it a point to be updated with the sport in the little way I can to share the chat with him on the sport. Its nice when he gets excited when Tendulkar makes his mark and scores his runs. In Tendulkar's peak period, dad would not watch the match if he would get out at a low score. His theory was then, that if Tendulkar performs then India would win the match. The statistics spoke a different story years later. 

A few years ago, I was holidaying with my friends in Nasik and received a call in the afternoon from my mother that dad was undergoing angioplasty because he had a 90% blockage in one of his arteries. I was stone cold on hearing it and cancelled the complete trip to make my way back to Mumbai to be with him. I was nervous and anxious to know how and what had happened. In all my life, I cant remember many days when he ever fell sick or caught a fever. He was always the healthy kind with the heart of steel. Never moved by the change of weather or location. To hear that he was going into an operation to for it made me shiver while thinking of it.

I reached the hospital that night and heard the operation was successful and that there was nothing to worry about. He slept through the night and was bright fully surprised to see me wish him well early in the morning. I for one was just happy to see him smile and look alright.

I cant seem to get enough of him, he is the Rock and the stone that the family lives around. His love is only of giving and not asking. A man strong of faith and spirit, A man with the love and respect of his peers and family, A man who would not ask for anything more than he wanted, A dad in who we trust.

A Friend in Deed!!

Have you ever had a friend who was like your mirror in real life? Someone who would understand your feelings before you knew it? Someone who would share your happiness just like you would want it?

I have never had such a friend until recently and our friendship has become so strong that no matter what the fights or the differences we always end up smiling and laughing at the end of the day.

We knew each other by names for a few years and never had the will to speak to the other for the time. Seemingly, the thought was that the other was very pompous and proud and avoided each other. We never thought that we would ever become friends in life but we did and we became more than friends, we fell in love and got married as well.

She has the start and end of any discussion we have and it mostly has to be done her way but sometimes I do nudge in my thoughts and approvals as well. There are long days and there are short days, but through it all we manage to keep the smile. I cant remember a week or a month where we haven't fought and the same month we have pleasant memories of smiling and laughing our hearts out as well..

I have to be humble when I say, she may be right most of the times but is also human to be wrong sometimes. She can keep things cleaner than Monica (Friends Serial) and can be even more irritating than Ross(Friends Serial) but through it all she is as loving and caring as can be.

I suffer from a back ailment where I get sudden back spasms when lifting weight or sitting in a stationary position for long. There has never been a day or time when she has refused to help ease the pain by massaging my back and applying a hot water bag to it. Anytime, that I am hurt or dejected, she is always there to lift my spirits and assure me that things will get better and happiness is just around the corner.

She has a way with things and would be a child when it comes to enjoying. We have a common liking for animated movies and she has a liking to cook. She loves to cook and can churn out some of the most delicious dishes that I have ever tasted. I can proudly blame her for me adding 14 kgs to my hip line after we got married.

Recently, we went to a park with our son to spend a day. My son loves to play in the grass and crawl all over the place. It was amazing to see her toss and roll with him and the sight was of joy and happiness, she kept asking, "Why are you smiling?" and I had no words to describe to her the feeling I had.

Jean has been the strength and the weakness that I can proudly say is what keeps me afloat. A "Thank You" to her would be too less to show gratitude but all that I could do is make her proud in everything that I do.

When in Time...

There is a time… when you want to rhyme. A day in our lives and we feel the world is a bed of roses the path we take is laden with gems and jewels of all colours, the air we breathe is rich and full. The touch of people is obsolete and the taste of food is exaggerated in our tongues.

I am sure we have had this feeling at some point in our lives. It might have been towards another person, towards an achievement or towards some materialistic pleasure that we were gifted. The point of the matter is the feeling.

Now go to the time when you were completely dejected by a thought, a dream or an event. Can we replicate the same feeling when the world around us crumbles? When the walls of happiness start to fade away and the cracks in the paints are seen? Why do we feel bad and loose hope when the things around us are at its worst?

I have witnessed an elongated event that lasted for about 20 months in my life and the factors that seemed irrelevant in my life started to hit me and hit me hard.

I was subjected to being without employment for a while and in the start it was a welcome break as it had been a while since I had time out for myself and I made the maximum use of my time without a minute spent in wallowing my miseries. The months started to wear on and it had become a year that I was without any employment and the eventuality of getting employment was seeming like a distant reality.

The applications were unanswered or were replied with dejecting responses. Failure had become my bride and the world was not ready to accept me when I was down. The few close friends and well wishers would always say, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. It will just take some time”. In my mind, I always wondered when will that so called time come for me, it was not that I was not qualified or experienced. I am a post graduate and have a string of certifications attached to my name.

The qualifications at time were the reason why the rejections would happen and sometimes it was a step in to the world beyond. The world of employment! It came to a point when I was dejected and depressed, various thoughts and options entered my mind on how to start earning once again.

I tried to become an entrepreneur but realized getting finances from well wishers or family was a task similar to going to the next galaxy. That bombed! Tried various other options and that too was left with little acceptability, it was a crazy world. All hell had broken loose around me and the feeling was of a looser.

The thoughts of suicide and the reasons of being drowned in alcohol had become eventual. I started to borrow money from the same friends and well wishers who were there to help me. Lies became a way of life. I was deep in debt and no revenue source was visible. I had become an alcoholic. I was in need of being in another world and the real world was disturbing and difficult to deal with. There was a slip in my thinking and there was no other way of living life. I knew I was letting go and had to get myself to get a grip of my life and get a way of living in the real world.

That’s when I remembered the times when life was breeze the good days that were lived and enjoyed. The reasons why the enjoyment had been so much more better than ever. When everyday was lived for the day and the tomorrow was a distance away. The thought of happiness started to creep in me. The memories of yesterday gave me the will to live and fight on. No matter what the world would say and how they would look at it. I had to make a way of seeing the things in my sight and not the worlds.

It took me a week to get out of the so called DEPRESSION and I was back on my feet. With the 19 months gone by, I took it in me that within a month I will get a deserving employment opportunity. And I ventured into the market once again. It took me a week or so to start getting interview calls and within two weeks I was in a soup of choosing between jobs. I was back in the game. The feeling and the attitude changed.

I chose a place where I felt I could be happy and wouldn’t feel like working anymore. I settled in it and now it has been 3 years, I have not worked a day in my employment. I enjoy each day as it comes, the weekends spent in the company of the friends and well-wishers who were there and supported me when I was down and out. The days are beautiful and nights a excellent. Life has its ups and downs but I guarantee that with the right attitude one can make the nights seem like day….

The Malady

I stop and stare

You stop and stare

Only our eyes meet

Its just no greet

For a moment I see

You seem to glee

I look you smile,

I am at a distance a mile

There is no way to break the dare

The world is all just bare

Your eyes are at a smile

If only you were just a while

Its just a thought a wish

a dream, it cant exist

for when I see you again.

This life will be again.

There is a moment and I am in the sky

There she stood and I don’t know why

I was in a freeze if not for the breeze

I kept staring and she was there

I kept staring and watched her go by

She was glimpse a glance

A smile a dance

It was a moment not a while

And she was gone without a dial

When will she be here, When will I hear

Time has no hands, and the days have no nights

For she is the breathe and the chant

That I could never have been mine. 

The Wedding

Weddings are a festive time. The time in one’s life where all the attention is focused on the bride and the groom; they are the center of attraction for that period. I had the fortune of attending a very different monsoon wedding in the picturesque place of Kerala and it was nothing like one would imagine it to be.

The groom, Ravi, was my college friend and from the time I knew him he was always very timid and shy of the world around him. A brilliant mathematician who worked with a well known bank but when it came to socializing he would wet himself before he could muster a word to any person.

The bride was the opposite, an outspoken and bold Bengali, Ananya. She worked with the same bank that Ravi worked in. Seemingly, they started dating a year ago and were captured by each others personalities! I had never met her before the wedding but was amazed at the scenes that were to unfold during the wedding.

Ravi, being the only child to his parents, wanted the wedding to take place in Kerala (their hometown) and asked the girls side to make it there. The inter-caste, inter state marriage was all accepted without any bollywood drama and the dates were set well in time for all to attend it with comfort.

The day before the wedding we (four friends) came to Ravi’s house where we friends were greeted to a traditional keralite family who were not prone to loud music and alcohol in their celebrations. The sound of the flute and drums were heard along with the loud and voracious noises of the women in the place.

We had already decided with Ravi that no matter what his family thinks we needed to have some alcohol to party out and have fun thus celebrating his last night as a bachelor. He had accordingly made arrangements and had kept us locked on his terrace where we could have the fun and frolic at his expense. Of course, the night went out like any other night in which we normally get drunk but the main scene was coming the next day.

The wedding was scheduled in a temple near his residence at 9 am. We had to be at the venue by 0830 am, since we were staying at his residence, we were literally dragged with the whole bandwagon and made to reach the temple on time. The girls side were to arrive at 9 and the procession was to start by then.

The girl’s side did arrive on time and there was some delay in them reaching the mandap. Apparently, they had a wilder night than the boy’s side and some of the girls and the bride included were going through a bad hangover while some were still in the drunken state. They were all being dragged out of the cars in which their arrived and the older women in the family were making weird noises (apparently speaking in Bengali).

Ravi’s mother was terrified at what she was seeing and wondered for a brief moment if this was the perfect bride for her son. There was mayhem and hysteria in the boys side for the next few minutes. Ananya finally managed to make it to the mandap and take the ferras as directed. Next she was to say the vows in Malayalam and repeat what the pandit was saying, to fulfill the traditions.  Instead, she burst out saying, “What is this baldy speaking about yaar?” We were enjoying the scene that kept unfolding and having the time of our lives but Ravi’s parents were gritting their teeth and holding back all they had until they had the right opportunity to get back.

What followed in the remaining wedding process remained an inspiration to all of us. Ananya went on to puke in the temple and then ask for another peg from the pandit. Ravi had no clue whether to scold her or run away from there. The poor guy stood and held her with all his strength to finish the traditions and be gone from there.

The time for the ceremonies lasted for about 45 minutes, it lasted longer than usual thanks to the intervals and breaks in the ceremonies. As soon as it was over, she threw her garland in the air and asked the other spinster girls to catch it (an amalgamation from the western weddings). Unfortunately, the garland didn’t go too far as she threw it up in the air and it got stuck on the ceiling. Ravi now looking clearly embarrassed with the occurrences whisked her away and took her to the hotel to get her changed and fresh for the reception and lunch that followed. A few of us tagged along to help him and the other girls in getting ready.

It took a while before Ananya realized what she had done and by that time it was time to go for the reception, she was left with a bad hangover and droopy eyes. She made it through the whole ceremony of thanking people and smiling constantly at the camera. We were enlisted to keep water and an empty bucket ready just incase she wanted to have a go at emptying her bowels the wrong way again.

The wedding ended with Ananya having a small bite and then dozing off in the wedding car with Ravi greeting others and thanking their presence to the wedding. It was a wedding like never before and never seen, I still cannot stop giggling when I think about the events that took place on that eventful wet September morning. We still look at the pictures and watch the wedding movie to have a good laugh when we need it.

I am not sure there will be partying before the wedding day at any other weddings of Ravi and Ananya’s families. This wedding left all of us drunk with the memories of a beautiful day that was made much more eventful owing to the bride to be!!!

An Ode to my Weekends

Hail Friday full of grace, the joy is with you, blessed are those among men who get to share the world without end...amen...

Love has a funny way of showing itself in tthe burrows of a carress....the warmth of the evening the chill of the day..it happens only on fridays....happy birthday my dear....you are here again....

I have been thinking about you,i have been wondering about you,i have been dreaming of you....you are truly the friend of peace and relaxation....you are my beautiful weekend...

Thus comes to an end the trials of the week....the jury has decided to sentence me to 48 hours of relaxation and fun...hola mi weekend....here i come...

Sleepy during the week and sleepless on the weekend....

A time in life when i forget the wrongs that have been done in the past and focus on the joy of tomorrow....hello my friday here i come

And now starts a journey of 48 hours

And yet we meet again...there is love n happiness in the air,there is joy n pleasure everywhere...its is the time of the week here we can be glorious and freee....its my weekend!!!!!

Awake in dreamland and the world doesnt seem to have any time or place for me! There is a horizon with an end if only i could see it....!!

The start of the day depends solely on the motive of the day and when the day is friday the motive is lost....its just a day of happiness by virtue for the creator of this day never envisioned the joy of its arrival or the ecstatic nature of the emotional human being.....thank god for the fridays!!!!!

Mornings are no longer pleasant...only saving grace is today is the best day of the week...its here people the one and only friday!

The weekends are getting busy, need some time out of time for relaxation...!!!!!

Created, Bonded and Grew

I was a leaf blowing in the wind,

You were the branch I was searching within,

I saw the togetherness of our lives,

You shared the truth without the lies,

we graced a movie,

It was the start of our journey,

There were times of hardship,

There were times of love,

We Said, "I DO"

And started to travel as two,

It worked out well,

things were getting swell,

There came the news of a child,

It was the time to have a smile,

It was the time for us to grow,

For our family was now in-folds. 

He was born in our arms,

There was blood and not a charm,

We held him near, we held him dear,

He became our strength,

In his company we went,

In all we completed the meaning of what a family meant,

today we walk not for what was said but for what was dealt. 

The Pouring Rain!!!

The month of May is drawing to its end, the summer doesnt seem to want to leave, she is staring at us and smiling with smirk on her face. She seems to enjoy watching the sweat glide down our brows.

The summer is warmer than last year or the years before and the sun seems to be brighter than ever. A step away from the shade reveals the blast of the heat and the scorching sun reveals her body. She doesnt seem to shy away from being completely naked and showing off her rays.

Then comes our dear friend the clouds, he is seen floating alone many a time through the year, but his arrival with his friends is greeted with smiles and sighs. The first drops of rain are welcomed with the relief of the heat and the cool breeze is kept in a warm embrace.

The smell of dust and water making love under the clouds, the greens coming alive around you. The hills changing their colour from the dull brown to a painted canvas of greens, pink, white. The skies turning grey and dark with water pouring everywhere.The atmosphere is to lay back and relax after the struggle.

Children take to the outdoors and play the games with a zeal that was lacking during the past days of the heat and sweat. They seem to be enjoying the chilled water hugging their t-shirts as they play a game of football in the rain. The ball refuses to bounce and they run behind it to ensure a win or are they even bothered of who wins. It is just the sheer rain and its calm that makes them want to enjoy it more.

The farewell to the heat and the welcoming of the rains are a sight to see. The peace of the rain sitting in the comforts of your home are also enjoyable. You have a cup of tea or coffee and it warms your hands as the drops trickle their way down your window forming small rivers. You have your favourite bhajjia (Indian fritters), donuts or muffins, just made warm and cozy from the oven. 

Its here for relief, its here for joy, lets enjoy it and make the most of it while it lasts. Happy Monsoon everyone!!

Mother's Cradle of Love

I often wonder if my mother has been brought from planet Krypton. She is forever doing what is for the best for the family, cooking, cleaning, nurturing, caring, counselling, encouraging and the adjective continue on and on and on.

I cant remember many days when my mother was ill or tired and food was never on the table. Even today at 60+ she continues to show the strength of a 20 year adult.

I cannot understand what the child feels when they try to alienate themselves from their parents or torture the very people who were responsible for his health and education. I am astounded at the events that a parent has to endure at the hand of their own child who they once cradled in their arms and held them lest they fall and hurt themselves.

Recently, I became a proud father to a son and he is a bundle of joy. I see a mother in my wife and she makes me feel proud. My son is attached to her like a ray to the sun. When I see them together I have the happiness and joy that no money can buy. What amazes me further, is that my wife shows the same strength as my mother when it comes to taking care of our son and I just get to thinking what is it in being a mother?

The joy you see in their eyes when they are close to their child is joy in itself. She will cuddle him, raise him, hold him, caress his wounds, smile with him, make him laugh, play with him and all without a single cry or regret of being tired after a long day at work.

I for one cannot bear to clean his diapers when he has done a big job and to that both my wife and my mother come running to the rescue. I just find it absurd that a child feeding on milk only has the ability to convert something white into green and it comes with the aroma that would pull anyone out of their deep slumber. I tried doing it with some oil paints to change the colour to green from white but was not very successful at it. To me that is a work of either god or the enzymes in his stomach are working on overtime.

The other day he was prompt to call our his first word, "Da-da". To which I was surprised, speechless, astounded, shocked, etc! but the look in my wife's face was even more heartening. She was more excited that he started to speak and make sounds from his mouth (Till then the only sounds he made were his gurgles and the occasional farts that would prompt us to open the windows).

My son, is always running to me for playing and having a good time. Dada is the happy person who is always ready to carry him and play with his toys and let him do as he pleases. But if he is hungry, tired or sleepy, then it has always been his mommy's arms to hold. I have tried but with a lot of effort in putting him to sleep or feeding him. But when he comes to my wife he is always hungry and happy to eat. He falls to sleep with a few taps on the back, gently lays his head on her chest and his ticket is booked to dreamland.

I keep seeing mothers in all walks of life going the distance to ensure their child is safe, healthy and strong. To this day I feel comfortable in sharing my thoughts with my mother and have always regarded her as a good friend rather than a person who was responsible for me. I know that in her eyes I will always be the child who would hold her hand and learn to walk. Till this very day, I enjoy sleeping on my mothers lap and enjoy her cradle of love she has for me.