The Chain of Appraisals

Did you ever dream of what you wanted to be when you grew up? I certainly did and for sure I was disappointed at what I wanted to be and what I became. From wanting to do wonders in my workplace, I ended up being the person the world wanted me to be.

In the start of my career, all I wanted to do was be the best at what I was doing. I would reach the work place early so that I could have a head start to the day, would blend in with people from different departments so that I would learn what is happening in other parts of the company. I was mostly a learner and a seeker at the place of work.

As the years went by there was a routine that was created in my life, the routine of appraisals. The only thing that was important to me and my colleagues was the day of the appraisal. This was the day that would make our next year. So we would work the year around to ensure the day of the appraisal was filled with results of our work done over a period of time.

This day was to bring us the joy of buying a new car or a house or a watch or anything that we had in mind. This would would determine if we were to live an austere life or could spend lavishly in the year to come.

Our efforts to make ourselves known to be in the top tier rank to ensure we get the best value of the appraisal and the bonus amount is much more than our peers. It was a race to Money mountain.

In all the years, I have never got a worthy rating. I always performed and did well but the statistics were not completely in my favour.

I realised well, to know that the management of a company shows its intentions by the way they reward their people. If they reward them well, they have good intentions for their fellow colleagues and if they don't then they value them as tools to reach a goal.

The astonishment was to see in my peers eyes to their resentment and frustration on the amount shown in their increment/ bonus letters. In one of the MNC companies I was working for, the lady through a fit at our boss and started hurling abuses in the conference room. Her voice was so loud that we could hear her straight through as though she was sitting right next to us.

The poor boss, was as helpless as he could be as he had also not received a good number to his satisfaction and his appraisals were also not that good. She kept on saying that the numbers were not right and she was the performer for 5 months in a row but because she had to take maternity leave that got her average down. Well morally one would have given her the benefit to showcase that the person was talented and it was the ideal way to reward people with talent.

But her appraisal average went down due to her absence and so was her increment and bonus amounts. She would have to wait for a whole year before there was any substantial increase in her salary. This frustrated her and she left the company to join another organisation.

The feeling that crept in me while it was all unfolding before me was whether she made the right decision to leave the company for the reason of money or whether the company was not keen to let her stay. Was there a hidden bias to the company not wanting to have women with children on their workforce. It was a conspiracy theory brewing in my head for sake of excitement. There was a lust in the theory to make it sound more exciting.

I changed many companies in the short tenure of my career and realised that working from an appraisal to the next is the only thrill that existed in the organisation. The joy of enjoying your work, to have a new day and a new beginning everyday at work was lost in transit.

I wonder what would Einstein or Gandhi's appraisal sheet looked like if they ever had one? Did they have goals and targets to reach to achieve what they did? Did they have to be motivated to do their work? What made them the man that we today look back and salute?

The question that posses in my mind is are we really going to do better with company focused goal sheet? or should we not be preparing our personal goal sheet and working towards attaining that goal. Would it not then be likely that we would not have to be motivated by the appraisal sheet and work in the way we best fashion to enjoy what we do.

We have become but the slaves for the want of success. In the want for a better life, we leave life behind and lick the behinds of the gods that run the organisation. There is no apathy to the weak and the strong trample on them. The so call high and almighty of the organisation fail to see it more times than none and the weak fail to realise their potential until it late or too late.

When we break this chain of appraisals is when we are individuals will excel and there after the company or the organisation that we work in or run will have the benefits of the success we dream about.

In Dad we trust!

I keep listening to songs that have an ode to their mothers, the way mothers have always cared for their children and family. But I rarely hear, see or read of how great fathers are.

There are times when I am touched with my fathers love for me and my sisters. He has a weird way of expressing his love and more often than not its over a conversation of cricket, politics or just some news event. His most used phrase of talking to me during my growing up days were, "Let's have a man to man talk". Sometimes he would use the same statement with my sisters as well which I felt was weird, as it should have ideally been, "Lets have a woman to man talk" or "Lets have a Daughter and father talk". 

A mechanical engineer by profession, he excelled in what he did. His engines, as my mother would say, was his first wife. He was always interested in what he did and never worked a day in his life. If I would ever ask about the engines, he would speak about it with pride and an enthusiasm of a boy who would have just learnt of the engines and was starting his career.

He has been the envy and pride of my and my sisters life, ever since I can remember. As a child he was a little aloof and we never got to know him well but as we touched our teenage years he would always be there and speak to us as a friend.

I remember a time during my internship at a hotel and I would work from day break till the wee hours of morning, barely getting 5 hours of sleep. We never met each other for about a week or so staying in the same house. One night when I came back at about 2 in the morning, he was lying on the couch half asleep and waiting for me. I asked him what was he doing up so late and not sleeping as he had to go to work the next day. He replied with all innocence, that he missed talking to me and he had not seen me the whole week. He had stayed up till late just to have a word with me and speak to me about my well being. It was heart breaking that he would do such an act. I was dumb founded and left with no words but just appreciation and gratitude for him.

He never asked anything of life and led the most austere life. His only passions were watching cricket, playing sudoku and having his evening drink. Every birthday, we would ask him what he wanted so that we could buy it for him as a gift from his children but he always gave a blank reply. Never asked for anything but would only give.

My father was always attached to all three of his children. We would always fight with each other to say that they were his favourites and dad would only favour them more than the other. Being the only son and having two sisters, I was ofcourse the favourite child of my father, or atleast that was what I had thought about until I saw him break down on my sisters wedding. For the first time in my life, I saw my father in tears and not willing to let go of her when she was leaving. He kept telling everyone that she was his pride and had given all his love to her to make her strong and bright. I just didnt understand why would such a strong personality would break down at this event. He was happy that she was married but it saddened him that she was leaving him to be a part of another home.

In all the years, I have known dad. He was always the rock that we lay our foundations on. He was strong in thought and knew exactly what he wanted and never asked for more. He would sacrifice for the sake of his family and made sure that we always got the best of what was available or afforded. 

Growing up with him, he has become more of a friend than a father. I dont know a better friend to have than him. Sometimes, we sit and share a drink in the evening and watch his favourite sport of Cricket. The irony is that I hate the game and dont understand why the country of a billion plus people are so crazy of this sport. I still make it a point to be updated with the sport in the little way I can to share the chat with him on the sport. Its nice when he gets excited when Tendulkar makes his mark and scores his runs. In Tendulkar's peak period, dad would not watch the match if he would get out at a low score. His theory was then, that if Tendulkar performs then India would win the match. The statistics spoke a different story years later. 

A few years ago, I was holidaying with my friends in Nasik and received a call in the afternoon from my mother that dad was undergoing angioplasty because he had a 90% blockage in one of his arteries. I was stone cold on hearing it and cancelled the complete trip to make my way back to Mumbai to be with him. I was nervous and anxious to know how and what had happened. In all my life, I cant remember many days when he ever fell sick or caught a fever. He was always the healthy kind with the heart of steel. Never moved by the change of weather or location. To hear that he was going into an operation to for it made me shiver while thinking of it.

I reached the hospital that night and heard the operation was successful and that there was nothing to worry about. He slept through the night and was bright fully surprised to see me wish him well early in the morning. I for one was just happy to see him smile and look alright.

I cant seem to get enough of him, he is the Rock and the stone that the family lives around. His love is only of giving and not asking. A man strong of faith and spirit, A man with the love and respect of his peers and family, A man who would not ask for anything more than he wanted, A dad in who we trust.

A Friend in Deed!!

Have you ever had a friend who was like your mirror in real life? Someone who would understand your feelings before you knew it? Someone who would share your happiness just like you would want it?

I have never had such a friend until recently and our friendship has become so strong that no matter what the fights or the differences we always end up smiling and laughing at the end of the day.

We knew each other by names for a few years and never had the will to speak to the other for the time. Seemingly, the thought was that the other was very pompous and proud and avoided each other. We never thought that we would ever become friends in life but we did and we became more than friends, we fell in love and got married as well.

She has the start and end of any discussion we have and it mostly has to be done her way but sometimes I do nudge in my thoughts and approvals as well. There are long days and there are short days, but through it all we manage to keep the smile. I cant remember a week or a month where we haven't fought and the same month we have pleasant memories of smiling and laughing our hearts out as well..

I have to be humble when I say, she may be right most of the times but is also human to be wrong sometimes. She can keep things cleaner than Monica (Friends Serial) and can be even more irritating than Ross(Friends Serial) but through it all she is as loving and caring as can be.

I suffer from a back ailment where I get sudden back spasms when lifting weight or sitting in a stationary position for long. There has never been a day or time when she has refused to help ease the pain by massaging my back and applying a hot water bag to it. Anytime, that I am hurt or dejected, she is always there to lift my spirits and assure me that things will get better and happiness is just around the corner.

She has a way with things and would be a child when it comes to enjoying. We have a common liking for animated movies and she has a liking to cook. She loves to cook and can churn out some of the most delicious dishes that I have ever tasted. I can proudly blame her for me adding 14 kgs to my hip line after we got married.

Recently, we went to a park with our son to spend a day. My son loves to play in the grass and crawl all over the place. It was amazing to see her toss and roll with him and the sight was of joy and happiness, she kept asking, "Why are you smiling?" and I had no words to describe to her the feeling I had.

Jean has been the strength and the weakness that I can proudly say is what keeps me afloat. A "Thank You" to her would be too less to show gratitude but all that I could do is make her proud in everything that I do.